actress & stand-up comedian (1952- )
Ya know, I love malls ... you can live, die, and learn to play the organ, all under one roof!
ROSEANNE BARR
"Mall Story", Roseanne
Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt!
ROSEANNE BARR
"We Gather Together", Roseanne
Foolish boy. Oh-ho, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Terms of Estrangement", Roseanne
I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Chicken Hearts", Roseanne
People like us, the poor people, and the people like us regular people are paying more taxes than the rich people because they got all these lawyers who find loopholes, I want loopholes. I mean, we're paying you guys our money anyway, and then you mishandle it worse than any of us ever could. And the government is like 3 trillion dollars in debt, I think I heard that on "Donahue." Can you imagine 3 trillion dollars in debt? That's like you make what $15,000 a year and then charge up your Master cards $50,000, and then you pay $5,000 monthly income. You know, people like us, we should get smart and audit them.
ROSEANNE BARR
"April Fool's Day", Roseanne
Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!
ROSEANNE BARR
"Vegas, Vegas", Roseanne
What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?
ROSEANNE BARR
"We're in the Money", Roseanne