quotations to make you laugh
This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered one technical problem -- night.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, May 28, 2012
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
OSCAR WILDE
The Picture of Dorian Gray
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER
attributed, Women in Comedy
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!
ERMA BOMBECK
Woman's Day Magazine, Nov. 13, 2007
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Arkansas? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!
ANONYMOUS
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
RAY FOLEY
Beer is the Answer ... I Don't Remember the Question
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Steven Wright Special, 1985
Today Lindsay Lohan's judge switched her from formal probation to informal probation for her shoplifting arrest. Informal probation is similar to formal probation but you can wear flip-flops.
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 29, 2012
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
JOHNNY CARSON
The Tonight Show
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
PETER M. PLANTEC
Virtual Humans: A Build-it-yourself Kit
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
DOUG LARSON
attributed, Words from the Wise
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it -- aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Good Housekeeping, Oct. 2011
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
ANONYMOUS
Beauty is Nature in perfection; circularity is its chief attribute. Behold the full moon, the enchanting golf ball, the domes of splendid temples, the huckleberry pie, the wedding ring, the circus ring, the ring for the waiter, and the "round" of drinks.
O. HENRY
"Squaring the Circle"
I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I Still Have a Pony