American comedian & television host (1950- )
A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 12, 2009
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, June 22, 2012
The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 11, 2011
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
The first time I made people laugh was an accident. I was just four years old at a gathering of my italian family. All the women--my aunts, my mother, my girl cousins--were in one room. I ran in and asked a question that had been on my mind for some time. "Aunt Faye," I asked, "why do women have humps like camels?" There was a huge uproar. Plates dropping, my mother repeating "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness," all the women running around laughing and squealing, "Did you hear what the boy said?" And I just stood there confused. "What did I say? What did I say?" As far as I knew, it was a legitimate question. To this day no one's ever answered it.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, November 4, 2009
You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 1, 2010
China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 7, 2011
Halloween's coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 16, 2009
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 1, 2012