HUMOROUS QUOTES

funny quotes & quotations

Humorous quote

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."

TINA FEY

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes


To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune ... to lose both seems like carelessness.

OSCAR WILDE

The Importance of Being Earnest

Tags: Oscar Wilde


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

JIM CARREY

attributed, The Man Whisperer


Never hold discussions with the monkeys when the organ grinder is in the room.

WINSTON CHURCHILL

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes

Tags: Winston Churchill


A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CONAN O'BRIEN

Tags: Conan O'Brien


Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.

HENRIK IBSEN

An Enemy of the People

Tags: Henrik Ibsen


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

GEORGE CARLIN

Doin' It Again

Tags: George Carlin


When you're having sex with somebody, you can say "yes", you can say "yeah", you can say "uh-huh." But for some reason you can't say "yep". Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

DEMETRI MARTIN

stand-up routine


Don't forget to grab a straw. Because you suck.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

SLAPPY WHITE

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers

Tags: Slappy White


I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.

RITA RUDNER

stand-up routine

Tags: Rita Rudner


If we're not supposed to eat animals ... how come they're made out of meat?

ANONYMOUS

Tags: Anonymous quotes


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

ERMA BOMBECK

Tags: Erma Bombeck


I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

ERMA BOMBECK

Tags: Erma Bombeck


People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.

GEORGE BURNS

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes

Tags: George Burns


I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

PHYLLIS DILLER

Tags: Phyllis Diller


Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show

Tags: Jimmy Fallon