HUMOROUS QUOTES III

funny quotes & quotations

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

MITCH HEDBERG

attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations


Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: Anonymous quotes


When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

YOGI BERRA

Tags: Yogi Berra


Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

HELEN ROWLAND

Tags: Helen Rowland


Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

LOUISE BEAL

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes


Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

YOGI BERRA

Tags: Yogi Berra


It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018

Tags: Jimmy Fallon


Life begins at 40--but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.

HELEN ROWLAND

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes

Tags: Helen Rowland


For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

RAY ROMANO

stand-up routine

Tags: Ray Romano


When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.

EUGENE IONESCO

Jack

Tags: Eugene Ionesco


If I won the award for laziness, I'd send somebody to pick it up for me.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

MARK TWAIN

editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897

Tags: Mark Twain


Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?

JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017

Tags: Jimmy Kimmel